I Hate Sonic

Not the Hedgehog. Not the milkshake.

The toothbrush.

I was suckered into trying used the sonic toothbrush for the first time tonight.

At first it was unbearably painful.

"You'll get used to it," I was lied to told. "And your teeth will feel so clean afterwards," came the sales pitch as my FORMER friend scampered away.

After I finished my top row of teeth, crying the whole time and converting to all kinds of religion in hopes of mercy, the unbearable pain indeed converted into something milder, let's say the equivalent of nails on the chalkboard.

I blasted my way through the bottom row, wincing at the banshee-like whine its tiny, mocking head constantly emitted.

Then I reached the back of my teeth.

And I truly knew Kosovo.

This was not a joke. The sonic toothbrush hated me. It hated me, it hated teeth and it hated having to brush them for people who are apparently too lazy to move their own toothbrush around their mouths for two measly minutes.

When I finished, I, with shaking hands, put down the now innocently silent implement of pain. My teeth did feel cleaner. The same way they do after you go to the dentist and he turns on his own, professional-grade evil-smiling device with, wouldn't you know it - that same piercing shriek of sadistic glee coming from its motor.

And really - who wants to go to the dentist every freaking night???

You can bet I will be manually brushing my teeth with my perfectly fine, normally developed arm muscles tomorrow morning.