Whew. Devil made a hard sell today.
Ruiz spoke about the Parasite (= what's in your mind that creates your pain - kinda Buddhist, hunh?) mounting large final battles when it knows you're trying to kill it.
Even speaking about it brings it back up again.
Eternal Positivity:
I am deeply loved and accepted.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Churn: Free Market Religion
Why is this so amusing to me? Is it my former Libertarianism? (see, even I'm one of those switch-hitters - in oh so many tongue-in-cheek ways...)
I love the business terminology to describe religion - so apropos for America.
I feel a slight tinge (sadness?) about the statistics on Jehovah's Witness churn. Someone I used to be close to is part of that category and I saw firsthand the loneliness of disfellowship. If only he could have reached out to the disfellowshipped community and see how many there truly are. But I got the sense that his loneliness was a self-imposed punishment for feelings of guilt for hurting his family.
I love the business terminology to describe religion - so apropos for America.
I feel a slight tinge (sadness?) about the statistics on Jehovah's Witness churn. Someone I used to be close to is part of that category and I saw firsthand the loneliness of disfellowship. If only he could have reached out to the disfellowshipped community and see how many there truly are. But I got the sense that his loneliness was a self-imposed punishment for feelings of guilt for hurting his family.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Week 8: Lent
As the girl who was late for her first NaNoWriMo by 10 days but upon learning about it joined immediately with gusto (and success! read the details here), it is only fitting that I show up for prayer meeting last Thursday to discover that we are in the throes of Lent.
We read the passage in Matthew about Christ's Last Temptation and I had a bit of an epiphany myself. In the version that one of our worship leaders read aloud, Satan was called the Temptor. Something clicked for me.
My conversation with the youth leader the day before had me thinking about Satan, something I never do. You see, I don't believe in Satan. I simply can't; it's way too terrifying. All I know of him is that he looks like Al Pacino, has a really hot son that looks like Keanu Reeves (this is starting to turn into an advertisement for Satanism) and made that poor girl's head turn around while vomiting wildly. See, I don't do vomit. It's gross. I don't do head turning. Constantine may be hot (hey wait - he looks like Keanu Reeves too), but no Satan for me.
That night I lay in bed upset about an issue with someone very close to me. As I thought upon it, I grew angrier and got so worked up I couldn't fall asleep, despite the fact that it was about 6 in the morning. (Yes, yes, I have prayed for God to fix my sleep schedule but the Heavenly Being has not moved me to early slumber as of yet.)
Suddenly, I had a sense of what the concept of "Satan" was. I am influenced by
Negative thoughts have formed the hook leading me into darkness my whole life. I spent nearly the entire year of therapy with "Lotus" working on the critical voice I inherited from my family. These voices, these negative assumptions cleverly reasoned me into crippling resentments, arguments, self-abasement and an emo-level depressing outlook on life.
Jump cut forward to prayer meeting. It's Lent. Our resident angsty-guitar worship leader has given up leading church as usual. (It's been a longstanding not-so-joke that he loves church so much that is the only thing worthwhile for him to give up for Lent.)
It's the former Atheist's first year traveling with God's sheep and she is eager to get in on the action ("repent" may be a better verb here?) I am so eager I actually contribute to prayer meeting and even pray out loud although I still feel self-conscious praying in front of "actual", bona fide ("baptized", rather?) Christians. And I decide.
For Lent I am going to give up negativity.
Selena, my best friend in the whole world, calls it "interesting". We agree it will be challenging and probably also hilarious as I attempt to find positive ways to express "things only Satan would like". (Wait, I'm still allowed to say the word "negativity" right?)
H, my other favorite person in the world, is overjoyed when I tell him tonight. It is not until I open my mouth that I realize I probably lifted the idea from him more than anyone else - he has pioneered this positive psychology movement (take that Martin Seligman!) when he gave up negativity himself a few years ago. (Okay, maybe Seligman got there first, but not by much.)
I was too scared of the seeming impossibility of this task that I could not go public on this blog or commit to it until today. But now that I'm doing it I realize that my journey these last few months have been gearing me - hurtling me - towards this act. I was thisclose to applying for Seligman's masters program at U Penn in positive psychology to combat the unhealthy focus on problems and trauma at my old graduate program. I have been researching life and executive coaching as an empowering alternative to practicing traditional therapy. I have allowed H into my life in a deep way, despite my initial puzzlement at his "no-negativity" way of life. (How the hell can someone do THAT without liberal doses of denial? I asked myself.)
How can I do this without getting that glazed look (see the Girls Next Door) that tells people, "I checked out ten years ago"?
It certainly will be an interesting under-40 days.
We read the passage in Matthew about Christ's Last Temptation and I had a bit of an epiphany myself. In the version that one of our worship leaders read aloud, Satan was called the Temptor. Something clicked for me.
My conversation with the youth leader the day before had me thinking about Satan, something I never do. You see, I don't believe in Satan. I simply can't; it's way too terrifying. All I know of him is that he looks like Al Pacino, has a really hot son that looks like Keanu Reeves (this is starting to turn into an advertisement for Satanism) and made that poor girl's head turn around while vomiting wildly. See, I don't do vomit. It's gross. I don't do head turning. Constantine may be hot (hey wait - he looks like Keanu Reeves too), but no Satan for me.
That night I lay in bed upset about an issue with someone very close to me. As I thought upon it, I grew angrier and got so worked up I couldn't fall asleep, despite the fact that it was about 6 in the morning. (Yes, yes, I have prayed for God to fix my sleep schedule but the Heavenly Being has not moved me to early slumber as of yet.)
Suddenly, I had a sense of what the concept of "Satan" was. I am influenced by
- Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements, one of the most influential books in the dawn of my self-discovery. He describes humans as being surrounded by a mitote, a haze that clouds our vision and makes it hard to see clearly, most clearly the true love surrounding everything. This is my rough and time-frayed version of the idea.
- The concept of "hell" that I described to the youth leader. I read this somewhere - most likely a Western Buddhist reading - that hell has already been seen on earth. Hell is defined as farness from God. Have we not seen such darkness already whether large as war and famine and genocide or individual as the very trauma I experienced growing up? In the same way that hell can be seen, so can evil and, conjunctively, the concept of Satan.
Negative thoughts have formed the hook leading me into darkness my whole life. I spent nearly the entire year of therapy with "Lotus" working on the critical voice I inherited from my family. These voices, these negative assumptions cleverly reasoned me into crippling resentments, arguments, self-abasement and an emo-level depressing outlook on life.
Jump cut forward to prayer meeting. It's Lent. Our resident angsty-guitar worship leader has given up leading church as usual. (It's been a longstanding not-so-joke that he loves church so much that is the only thing worthwhile for him to give up for Lent.)
It's the former Atheist's first year traveling with God's sheep and she is eager to get in on the action ("repent" may be a better verb here?) I am so eager I actually contribute to prayer meeting and even pray out loud although I still feel self-conscious praying in front of "actual", bona fide ("baptized", rather?) Christians. And I decide.
For Lent I am going to give up negativity.
Selena, my best friend in the whole world, calls it "interesting". We agree it will be challenging and probably also hilarious as I attempt to find positive ways to express "things only Satan would like". (Wait, I'm still allowed to say the word "negativity" right?)
H, my other favorite person in the world, is overjoyed when I tell him tonight. It is not until I open my mouth that I realize I probably lifted the idea from him more than anyone else - he has pioneered this positive psychology movement (take that Martin Seligman!) when he gave up negativity himself a few years ago. (Okay, maybe Seligman got there first, but not by much.)
I was too scared of the seeming impossibility of this task that I could not go public on this blog or commit to it until today. But now that I'm doing it I realize that my journey these last few months have been gearing me - hurtling me - towards this act. I was thisclose to applying for Seligman's masters program at U Penn in positive psychology to combat the unhealthy focus on problems and trauma at my old graduate program. I have been researching life and executive coaching as an empowering alternative to practicing traditional therapy. I have allowed H into my life in a deep way, despite my initial puzzlement at his "no-negativity" way of life. (How the hell can someone do THAT without liberal doses of denial? I asked myself.)
How can I do this without getting that glazed look (see the Girls Next Door) that tells people, "I checked out ten years ago"?
It certainly will be an interesting under-40 days.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Passage of the Week: Primacy of Love
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8
1 Peter 4:8
Week 7: the Path with Patience Built In
I was worried I wouldn't find a face before Week 8 began, but as always, God is ever present in my life and growing stronger every day.
Today I had a very long, deep and truthful conversation with the youth leader at a church in K-town. A young man only a year older than I, he was a seasoned Christian in the listening department. It made me think of my fundy ex (as everything Christian often does). On one of our first dates, I told my ex that something I liked about the Christians I knew was the way they seemed truly interested in what you had to say, gave ample of space for you to talk and responded as if they had truly heard you. (Clearly as an ex-therapist-in-training, responsive listening skills have high cache with me.) My ex asked, "Is that something unique to those people, or do you think it is part of being Christian?"
Back then, the Atheist responded with an assurance it must be those people.
You can guess what I would say now. I would say, it is one of the truest manifestations of practical ministry: to listen from the heart, to hear another's heart and to respond in kind.
So this seminary student today listened and gently debated theology with me (much in the same non-pushy way exemplified by my ex). Scott, sole commenter to this blog so far, spoke about pluralist Christians. The youth leader was not so keen on the idea, citing that the Bible itself predicates the faith upon a certain nonpluralism. I have heard the range of responses on this pluralism-nonpluralism continuum from Christians.
His gift was to illuminate a successful relationship with the Divine:
Tonight I applied this concept to a very important human relationship I am currently developing. I realized that success is not measured by how "perfect" this person can be for me, but by how much more I can love this person every day, even incrementally and this way gives me patience I never thought I had.
Thank you God for bringing this meeting together and bless D's youth group and its challenges and bless D's questioning and journey.
There has been a bigger face of God at work, so big and so personal and so meaningful that I have not wanted to go into detail, but Universe and the Divine, you all know what it is. And for that I thank H.
Today I had a very long, deep and truthful conversation with the youth leader at a church in K-town. A young man only a year older than I, he was a seasoned Christian in the listening department. It made me think of my fundy ex (as everything Christian often does). On one of our first dates, I told my ex that something I liked about the Christians I knew was the way they seemed truly interested in what you had to say, gave ample of space for you to talk and responded as if they had truly heard you. (Clearly as an ex-therapist-in-training, responsive listening skills have high cache with me.) My ex asked, "Is that something unique to those people, or do you think it is part of being Christian?"
Back then, the Atheist responded with an assurance it must be those people.
You can guess what I would say now. I would say, it is one of the truest manifestations of practical ministry: to listen from the heart, to hear another's heart and to respond in kind.
So this seminary student today listened and gently debated theology with me (much in the same non-pushy way exemplified by my ex). Scott, sole commenter to this blog so far, spoke about pluralist Christians. The youth leader was not so keen on the idea, citing that the Bible itself predicates the faith upon a certain nonpluralism. I have heard the range of responses on this pluralism-nonpluralism continuum from Christians.
His gift was to illuminate a successful relationship with the Divine:
I love God more today than I did ten years ago. I love God today more than I did five years ago. If I can love God more today than I did yesterday, that is enough.
Tonight I applied this concept to a very important human relationship I am currently developing. I realized that success is not measured by how "perfect" this person can be for me, but by how much more I can love this person every day, even incrementally and this way gives me patience I never thought I had.
Thank you God for bringing this meeting together and bless D's youth group and its challenges and bless D's questioning and journey.
There has been a bigger face of God at work, so big and so personal and so meaningful that I have not wanted to go into detail, but Universe and the Divine, you all know what it is. And for that I thank H.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Week 6: Potpourri
Another holistic week.
Two angels drove down with me to Los Angeles. They were the face of patience, hard work, giving and love. They scrubbed my kitchen and steam cleaned my carpet and let me nap.
My new room in L.A. sprung a leak last week and the mildew smell has been overpowering. Last night my best friend from college whom I left behind in S.F. and happens to be a Ph.D. in microbiology warned me that the spores are dangerous (which I also read on the internet the same day) and to call the health department since the building owners have not responded.
I had a very deep work night - painful processing but I felt and relied upon a connection with the Divine the whole time. Very transformative dream about letting go of T__________.
Found a bible verse that shed light on my trauma and gave it new meaning:
1 Peter 4:1
Those that have suffered in their bodies are done with sin.
Two angels drove down with me to Los Angeles. They were the face of patience, hard work, giving and love. They scrubbed my kitchen and steam cleaned my carpet and let me nap.
My new room in L.A. sprung a leak last week and the mildew smell has been overpowering. Last night my best friend from college whom I left behind in S.F. and happens to be a Ph.D. in microbiology warned me that the spores are dangerous (which I also read on the internet the same day) and to call the health department since the building owners have not responded.
I had a very deep work night - painful processing but I felt and relied upon a connection with the Divine the whole time. Very transformative dream about letting go of T__________.
Found a bible verse that shed light on my trauma and gave it new meaning:
1 Peter 4:1
Those that have suffered in their bodies are done with sin.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Week 5: Lotus
My relationship with my therapist has been a face of God.
My last session was this afternoon (termination, in therapyspeak). A last session has its own benefits - the therapist will share things that she may not have a chance to say during regular therapy. In this case, I was blessed to hear her spiritual belief as it pertained to our relationship.
These are the lessons I took away:
I felt such sadness to think that our lines were only to meet for this period of life and are now separating. Her response:
I preserve the privacy of our experience by omitting details of the experience for now. But I am convinced and have been since last week that my therapist is a face of God.
Her name, with Sanskrit roots, means Lotus Flower, the symbol for the struggle of life. :)
I am blessed to have had her as my witness and healing hand.
My last session was this afternoon (termination, in therapyspeak). A last session has its own benefits - the therapist will share things that she may not have a chance to say during regular therapy. In this case, I was blessed to hear her spiritual belief as it pertained to our relationship.
These are the lessons I took away:
- Spirit is larger than body
- This physical body feels pain, but the soul is larger than that
I felt such sadness to think that our lines were only to meet for this period of life and are now separating. Her response:
- There is no goodbye
- Our corporeal relationship may be ending, but I can call on her anytime spiritually
I preserve the privacy of our experience by omitting details of the experience for now. But I am convinced and have been since last week that my therapist is a face of God.
Her name, with Sanskrit roots, means Lotus Flower, the symbol for the struggle of life. :)
I am blessed to have had her as my witness and healing hand.
Like the Lotus
out of mud
from the bottom of the pond
I rise
out of mud
from the bottom of the pond
I rise
Friday, February 1, 2008
The Power Prayer
This is a whammy of a prayer. I heard the first line sent to a growth group that my fundy ex led and I save it for the really difficult to deal with. It's a deep down, straight up Holy-Spirit-move-me prayer.
God, let me see my roommates and (grudgingly) T_____ the way you see them.
Let me pray for them that you turn their hearts.
Goddesses protect and bless me.
Amen.
God, let me see my roommates and (grudgingly) T_____ the way you see them.
Let me pray for them that you turn their hearts.
Goddesses protect and bless me.
Amen.
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