This week I had my faith tested.
Usually when a Christian says this, they mean they had doubts about their Christianity. In my case, I was made to doubt
by a Christian.
On the whole, I like what's going on in Christianity. This
post from a
New Jersey youth ministry (double shout out: NJ bigups and go liberal Episcopalians!) represents what I mean:
Maybe there is a new reality for faith and religion. Maybe the truth about God is no longer "owned" by an institution or an expert. Maybe it never was. Maybe, like all knowledge, the truth about God is all over - shared by all of us. Maybe when it comes to God and faith "the truth is out there," scattered about with all of us brushing against pieces of it here or there - in a thought, a prayer, a poem, a friend, a song, a scripture verse, a family member. The knowledge of it is shared globally - Globalization 3.0! No one owns the truth of God alone, but together the pieces are all there.
But more often than I like, I'll run into a woefully stereotypical by-the-book Christian who will good-intention you all the way to a fiery Judgment Day. It reminds me once again why
intrafaith rupture occurs.
It occurs when Christians bring this severity of outlook to their own kind, to seekers who are curious, nonbelievers visiting the church or any assortment of spiritual individuals whose Venn diagram circles overlap with Christianity. What I speak of are arguments over what makes a "proper" Christian, what constitutes "correct" practices, whether you believe you die and go near to God or whether your spirit is released into the Divine energy (this last one is mostly semantics, but in my last conversation with a Holy Roller I appear to have it all wrong if I phrase it as the latter and not the former).
I devote Week 10 to this issue because:
- It became the crucible that tested and strengthened my spirituality and God has bloomed full force in my life because of it.
- I believe we are on the brink of change regarding religious accessibility and I am doing whatever I can to energetically herald it.
As
Tim Keller, my favorite pastor in NY, says after his sermon introductions, "Let's go."
The first part of this discussion is comprised of my personal experience of meeting the face of God that is meant for me and thus strengthening my connection to the Divine. Humans often learn what it is they like through its opposition, a wash of uncomfortable light providing contrast to the silhouette that is so familiar.
The harsh light bulb for me took the form of an individual with whom I had several hours of conversation over the course of two lengthy meetings and several emails. The series of exchanges began well, but soon it began to feel as if I was speaking to an automatic pulpit. I use hyperbolic language not to unfairly portray this one individual as a Jesus automaton, but to give a sense of the effect his style had on me and to give a microcosmic representation of the aspects of the Christian community on a whole that cause its own division.
It was apparent that he held his own conceptions of "every other religion", assumptions that ranged from erroneous to simply not applicable to me, but which I have heard from other Christian sources. (For example: the Buddhist cycle of rebirth translated into "You guys get a second chance, so it doesn't matter what you do in this life, right?" Who can blame Christians for believing this, what with all the wanton, reckless, hard-partying Buddhists running around?) I may address these conceptions in a later post. He also had assumptions about values that did not fall in line with his understanding of "good Christian behavior" that also underscored an all-or-nothing way of thinking. (E.g.: Allowing
pre-marital sex translates into instant, rampant promiscuity. Saints Gone Wild.)
He was an expert at the one-sided conversation. No matter what I said, my answer was spun into something to do with me becoming a proselytizing, all-other faiths-rejecting
fundy who would lead my heathen friends into kingdom come. (Perhaps he should speech write for our thankfully dying administration?)
(who will probably now flag this blog under some Patriot bull).
I came away feeling alienated from Christianity (quite a familiar feeling). It was clear: I am not cut out for this religion and I should stop hanging around church pretending I belong. I felt sad about the all-or-nothing quality of Christianity.
Luckily, I had prayer meeting immediately afterwards.
I had nary 10 minutes to grab an extra sweater before I jumped into the rice rocket of one of our worship leaders and zoomed off to the mall. That's right. Sometimes we have church at the mall.
By the time we parked on the rooftop and assembled with the others in the food court for our
pre-meeting dinner, I was feeling at ease again. The Exodus is big on laughing and teasing each other (in positive Christian ways, of course). I met a guest from New York City, which made me feel great as we chatted about Uptown vs. Downtown and how nobody goes to
Inwood, the northernmost tip where I used to live.
During prayer meeting - in a community room, not
Sephora, unfortunately - I told them how the conversation I had left me feeling like I was "a bad Christian" because I did these things and failed to do those. One of the 'elders' (around 35 :P) responded, his chubby-cheeked infant daughter on his lap,
Alot of us come from churches that were based on rigidity and rules. We're trying to get out from all the rules that say what is or isn't a Christian and just trying to get back to the heart of it.
Another wrote me an email later:
It is easy to feel like that or think like that because churches/Christians everywhere have this very religious understanding of God, based on do's and don't do's and rights and wrongs, good and bad. My understanding of God is that he wants us to be free from this "law." He has called us to live in freedom (because we are led by his Spirit instead of a law like the 10 commandments kind of thing) and to live by one command: to Love. And that is a work in progress for our whole lives.
She pointed me to Galatians 5:13
You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.
I began to get a clearer sense of why God led me to the Exodus and why they were formed to begin with.
Exodus eradicated Sunday services late last year and went commando - naked save for the love of God. So, utterly literally. No frills, no set rituals, no saying "this is how it must be done." They wanted a direct pipeline to God.
Structure can be good, I get it. But it can also alienate and marginalize. I implore Christians to reduce their all-or-nothing stance when speaking to others. Focus less on what is right or wrong and more on what is loving, what is
reconciliatory and, if I can be so impudent, what Jesus would do.
For me, I continue to try, with every person who will let me, to look into
someone's eyes and see the piece of God in each of their souls. I would be open to hearing whether they follow this law or that tradition.
But more importantly I will ask myself, "Are they a good person?" "Do they open their hearts?"
I will listen to the answer with my heart, as best as I can, imperfectly, and not to the guidelines this church or that church wants to quibble over.
Blessed be your path.
Prayer for Those
Unfree:
See the freedom Spirit brings. May we escape from law and feel you in our hearts as guide.
