I should read that book right now.
I went in to work for the first time today and driving there was mostly okay, although I was still rocking my daily headache. Yup. I've had a 2-week headache now. Really fun.
On the way after meeting Jifo for dinner, however, I had a major traumatic moment when a car almost hit me and I devolved into a panic attack and couldn't drive home.
An episode that Jifo, in his usual smooth way, escalated by 1000%, which resulted in a major blowout.
(Please tell me I'm not the only woman in the world who dates guys that are complete morons in crisis situations?)
So it's almost 6 a.m. and I can't sleep; I'm totally depressed and in post-traumatic shock. I don't have a therapist right now, so you get to hear the crap that's on my mind.
The most angering lesson I've learned from the accident were who my real friends were. I have maybe 1.
After my accident, I stopped going on gchat since being on the computer exacerbates my neck pain. An interesting thing happened: I lost all my "friends."
Not a single person has wondered why I've been completely silent the entire month of October.
My nascent jogging buddy who wanted to start a business with me hasn't wondered where I went. Another person who used to chat me every hour even when my "I'm away" icon was on - nothing.
These aren't far away acquaintances - at least I thought. These are people I talked to every few days and hang out with at least once a week.
$*#! you very much Los Angeles for once again producing the nation's most reliable people. Unfortunately I'm unsurprised. I've lived in this city before.
But the one I'm bitter about every day is the girl who was my best friend for 10 years. Our (second) (third?) estrangement has been a long time coming.
This summer someone we both know got in the middle of us and sped up our demise. Another set of bffs could have gotten through it and processed it like proper Lesbros, but we'd been so weakened to begin with it wasn't hard to tear us asunder.
She'd only call me if I called her first. She'd only chat me if I chatted her first. And that's if I was lucky enough to be deigned a response. When she set the date for moving across country, I found out through getting tagged in a facebook note with 60 other people.
It's clear now that I was a low priority for a long time. But I held on because I felt like I couldn't live without her. That I would never meet anyone who comforted me as much as she did and understood me as well.
But I was tired. I was the only one holding up the house of our relationship. All I had to do was step away and it would fall.
So I did.
I decided I had enough with one-sided relationships. I would put in as much effort as the other party did. With dear bff, that was none.
I stopped instant messaging her every single time she signed on, although the sight of her online used to make me so happy. I waited to see if she would message me. Every day I looked at her name and the green available dot next to it and thought, "I knew this about you but...wow."
I stopped calling. You can bet her ringtone hasn't rung my phone.
I stopped emailing. You know the rest.
And not just with her. I got tired of making the one-way effort with everyone. A new gal pal I adored was the prototypical California flake - she even admitted it. She would agree to hang out - then suddenly disappear on that day. I can't afford to spend any more time and emotional energy on girls who only like to be around boys.
It's been a lonely time during this accident. The most supportive and caring people have been co-workers, the students I counsel and their families - I showed up today and there was a bouquet for me from a senior!
It's so ridiculous I don't know what to make of it. I never saw co-workers as true friends, yet they were the only one to send me well wishes and ask how I was and if I needed anything.
Hell, they're the only ones who keep up to date on me enough to know that I was even IN a car accident.
You know who prayed for me? My regular prayer-guy (he reads my blog) and the mother of one of the students I had to transfer to another counselor to lighten my load.
Fair Weather and No Weather
I haven't wanted to say it because it would make it real. But my best friend is no longer my best friend and hasn't been for a while.
I'm not averse to reopening that friendship. As Jifo said, I'm closing the door but I'm not locking it.
I'm bitter and resentful and full of disappointed rage at how few people in the world really care about me, especially during the bad times. Jifo helped put it in his Canto-cynical-realistic perspective: in the end you only have yourself to rely on.
This pill still tastes bad in my mouth, but it also comforts me. I reminded myself tonight, as I sat on the couch recovering from the fight, that no matter who's around you, you still die alone. No one can walk to the other side with you. That's a leaving we brave on our own; maybe I shouldn't rail against learning to do that now.