30 After 30 #30: Stop taking jobs that make me lose sleep at night!
There's one week left and I can hardly stand it.
Ever since I took this position in January, every one of my 52 faces has been of pain. The first 6 months I woke up angry at least half my mornings, crying to Jifo, "I can't do this anymore, I hate my life."
The company I work for operates on a negative incentive principle: motivate your employees by telling them they're doing badly as much as possible.
The way the boss structured the work day also ensured that I was a hypoglycemic, migraine-suffering mess by the end. There were evenings I couldn't even drive home and Jifo had to pick me up, while someone else drove my car.
Yet I kept taking more and more hours. It built up a reservoir of resentment towards Jifo, because the only reason I gave so much of my time, energy, and tears to this job was so I could help him pay the mortgage on a house that I 1) don't own 2) didn't choose 3) would never have chosen for a myriad of reasons. And we're STILL losing money on this tumor of a house.
(Wish I could take credit for that analogy, but my friend said it.)
Though I've wanted to quit every single day, I promised myself I would stay until the end of the year. It's been almost impossible to get here.
Looking back, I can say that staying in a job that takes so much from you is WITHOUT A DOUBT NOT WORTH IT.
It's been the harshest lesson I've learned of 2010.
However, just as I see the silver linings in all of my horrible experiences and choices, I did learn a positive thing:
I can stick out a tough situation.
As a survivor of an abusive childhood, I should have known I had this ability. But, as survivors will tell you, our self-esteem isn't always there to remind us of how strong we are.
No one was around to tell me that this year, so I'm telling me now.
Today - Saturday (yes we sometimes work 6-7 days a week) - marks the beginning of the last week before winter vacation. There's a MAJOR deadline that will keep me busy and have me bringing work home until then.
So of course this is when my boss chooses to drop our employee reviews on us.
Mine actually had many good things to say, I was labeled a wonderful resource and effective, and it was recognized that my students are all close to me.
But this isn't a workplace that likes to pat people on the back.
There were also comments from one particular group (I wish I could go into detail) who decided to use the "anonymous, aggregate comments" format as a venue to vent. There were some unhelpful, vague, even personal attacks that of course kept me up all night before a particularly long work day. It's not even possible for me to confront the individuals and who made them and have a heart-to-heart because all the comments are jumbled together for complete lack of accountability.
One of the most demoralizing comments was that I didn't go beyond what I was paid for, though this person admitted that was all that could be expected from the employees.
Looking it over now, I realize how ridiculous and telling that statement is.
But for days, all I could think of was the hours of sleep I missed, the migraines I worked through, the shaking hands as I drove home, the tears, the tense shoulders, the UNPAID hours I contributed checking email at home to finish the work that wasn't allotted in our hours.
I can sum it up in 2 words: 15-minute increments. That's what we bill our time in. We're in EDUCATION for god's sake.
On the bright side, I now have the time-management of a lawyer.
I've given more than I was paid. In fact, I've been working at a quarter of my self-employed hourly rate.
I've given so much I'll never get back. That comment was the straw that broke my gritted-teeth back and I'm done now.
I've looked for a way to separate myself from caring so much about my work and my students and it took only until this last week to find it.
This was a job I stuck with because of the recession, but no amount of money can pay for the impoverishment of self-respect.
by Maria V. Snyder
by Trudi Canavan
